Update

So I thought that I would just give a quick update on things. M'kynzi and I are still not together, but we are still uncertain of what it is that we are doing. When we got our answers, they weren't very definitive. I was told that I should call off the engagement, and M'kynzi's answer was "not now." We are still trying to figure out if we should date or if dating would only cause more heartache in the long run. I feel that we are just on hold for now, and just waiting to see what happens. We are in much more communication now, and are talking much more than we were the first week, which is nice. It is still really hard to see her, cause I cant hold her hand, and I cant kiss her, and I cant hold her. I talked with her for about an hour and a half on friday, and I loved it! No progress was made in our relationship, but it was just so good to see her and talk to her like we did just a few weeks ago. The only downfall is that ever since I talked to her, people have been noticing that I seem a little down. I didn't think that my emotions were showing that much, but apparently they were. I have been in intense prayer for the last few weeks, and it has helped a lot, but I still have my nights when I am crying myself to sleep.

I love her so much, and it doesn't seem fair to have to go through this. I have realized how much I love her, and that is great. M'kynzi told me one friday that she thinks she loves me more than she did prior to this. I can honestly say the same.

In a talk that I have read since this happened, it said that sometimes, even when you have had a spiritual confirmation about the relationship it can still end in heartache because quite simply, people change. I have looked at my life, and I am certain that I have changed. I hadn't been to the temple while M'kynzi and I were dating or while we were engaged. Since this all, I have been able to go 3 times, and I have made it a goal of mine to make it to the temple on a weekly basis. I am determined to get myself back to the person that I once was. The great thing is that even if this doesn't make me the person that I was when M'kynzi and I started dating, I am going to be a better person for having gone to the temple anyway. One of the counselors in a bishopric of one of my wards once said that if you want to marry a ten, you have to be a ten. I think that M'kynzi is about a one million, and I am just trying to get to that point. The temple is certainly one way that I am going to be able to do that. I feel that I am a lot more sincere in my prayers now too. I think that is one of the reasons that I have been able to get answers to my prayers so easily lately.

There are definitely some good eternal consequences that are coming from this all and as great as that is, I dont see a lot of those benefits right now. The only things that I see right now are the painful things, especially the heartache and the loneliness. This is going to be a good "soul searching" time for me. I have already started making some changes in my life, and I am going to make any others that are necessary. I am sure at some point I am going to be grateful for this experience, regardless of the outcome.

So all in all, I am still here, alive and mostly well. I am waiting impatiently for M'kynzi to figure things out and to receive her answer. I know that she is worth the wait. It just sucks. I told her plenty of times while we were dating that patience is a virtue, and now I am having to show that virtue. I know that we will both be better people regardless of the outcome and that is always something to look forward to. Something else to look forward to is the fact that if things end up working out the way we hope that it does we are going to be so amazing! We will both be millions!

M'kynzi, I am sure that you are going to read this, and when you do, I want you to know that I love you. I tell you that still because it is still true. I have told you before that I will love you always and forever, and that is not going to change. I am still in this with you while we are on hold, and I am anxiously awaiting your answer! I love you!

Less Excitement......

So, if you read my last blog, you got to experience the great fun I got to experience when I got engaged. Well, since then, things are a little different. On Tuesday the 1st, M'kynzi and I were in her car talking, and she said that she wasn't feeling completely comfortable with our decision to be engaged and to get married. As a result of that, we decided that we needed to fast and pray about our decision. We talked the next day and we both had discovered that we shouldn't be engaged anymore. Still to this day, I don't know if we are supposed to be dating. Tonight was the first time that I have talked to her since Wednesday, and it was so nice! I needed that so bad! I never thought that I could be so dependent on someone for happiness! For the last 8, almost 9 months, I have been the one to comfort M'kynzi when she needed it and I haven't been able to do it. I have been trying to avoid her, only because I don't want to cry the moment I see her. If the only thing that I was supposed to learn from this is how much I need her in my life, well, lesson learned. The fortunate thing about it all is that from what I know, there is still a chance that we could end up together forever, but I have yet to have that confirmed to me by the Lord. I guess looking at it all this is just typical of our relationship, lots of uncertainty. Uncertainty in where we would live, where I would go to school, what we would do for work, if M'kynzi would be able to go to school for law school, and several other things. I guess overall, I am dealing with this whole situation as best as I can. I am staying optimistic, knowing that things will work out. I cant argue with the Lord, I know I will lose. Its so hard knowing that someone that I love so much, might not be with me for eternity, she might just be a friend, and as nice as that is, it kinda sucks.

I have learned a few things. Number one, listening to the Spirit is important. Number two is that listening to the Spirit sometimes sucks. No matter how many times someone tells me that everything happens for a reason and that there is someone better for me out there, I am still going to hate the fact that we have to deal with this and that things don't work out the way I wanted them to. I just wish sometimes I had more of a say in some of the major decisions in my life.

Regardless of the situation, my feelings for M'kynzi are no different now than they were 2 weeks ago. I still love her immensely and I still want to do anything for her, but unfortunately right now, I cant.

At the end of the day, things have happened the way they have, and there isn't much I can do about it without giving up some happiness. I am going to be praying to know about the status of my relationship with M'kynzi right now, and hopefully that answer will come sooner than later, but who knows.

The Church is true, and God really knows what is going on, because He knows the whole picture, I just wish sometimes that He wasn't so much of a picture hog. I wish He would share a little more than He does right now!