Eff.

She looked good tonight. That's all.

Moving On

So lately it has been my duty to move on. At first I thought that I was doing pretty good, but the more I saw her, the more I realized that I hadn't moved on at all. I started to find an interest in a girl, and that distracted me for about 3 days, but then I got a wake up call when I was told she was dating someone else. In the past, any time I needed to get over a girl, I just went on as many dates as I could. The problem now though is that I don't really want to date because I know that as soon as I do, the memories will start to fade. I just don't know if I am ready for that. Even though I know I need to. This is the only way that I am going to be able to move on, and a large part of me just doesn't want to yet. Out of obligation I went on a date with a friend to the Sigma Gamma Chi formal, and while I had a bunch of fun, and danced the night away, it just wasn't the same. I know that it isn't fair for me to compare girls, but it was so hard not to. I knew that there wasn't much of anything between my date and I, but for some reason I still compared.

I AM going to get over this. I am doing the right things right now, and by nature of the way that the Lord works, and how He has worked in my life in the past, I will get over this. It is still going to take some time, but He will help me get over this.

I just wish that it would be consistently warm so that I could take out the current love of my life. I have some new body work for my motorcycle, and it will look good once I have it all on and painted.

Hard Times

I think that the last week has been the hardest for me. I keep seeing M'kynzi everywhere and while that isn't normally a bad thing by any means, I cant help but think that she isn't mine, nor will she be mine in the foreseeable future, every time I see her.

I think about the time we spent together

I think about her family and how much I miss them.

I think about her influence on me.

I think about the love she had, and still has for me.

I think about how I have just lost my best friend.

I think her smell.

I think about the way she would make me smile just by simply sitting by me.

I think about how she would hold my hand and would re-adjust if it wasn't right.

I think about her ring digging into me, but since I was holding her hand, I dealt with it.

I think about the late nights we had holding each other while we fell asleep in the love sac watching a movie.

I think about the games we would play in the car.

I think about how she made me feel the moment she would walk into the room.

I think about the first date we had.

I think about the proposal.

I think about how easily she took my breath away.

I think about how we would decided if people around us were on a first date while we were out to dinner.

I think about so many things the instant that I see her, and then the dreadful thought enters into my mind that I don't get to add to these memories anymore. That she is going to be making new memories with someone else that is going to be better for her. And that soon enough, those memories are going to replace ours. It kills me that this same thing is going to happen to me. I hate that the memories will fade.

Last week I realized that things weren't getting better. I still don't really know if the decision was the right decision, but M'kynzi is confident that it is right, so what other choice do I have? I discovered that things between she and I have only gotten more and more awkward. We almost can't stand to even be near each other. I know the reason I feel that way, and I only hope that it is the same for her.

I went to the temple yesterday to pray and ask about us. I needed to know for sure if this decision was right or wrong. I needed help if it was wrong that M'kynzi would know that also. I needed help if it was right that I would be okay with it. I have a good feeling that I have gotten my answer, but I refuse to accept it. I don't want to let go of her. Ever.

Sometimes I wish I could forget everything. But then I realize how much of me would be missing. I certainly wouldn't be the person that I am today if I just forgot about M'kynzi and the memories we have had. I guess for now though, until we are able to have some semblance of a friendship, she is only going to be a memory.

I told her that I can't put on the show anymore. I can't put on this facade that everything is okay, and that nothing is wrong in my life. I am still happy overall, but I am hurting inside, pretty badly. There is a song by The Tony Rich Project called Nobody Knows, and it is kind of the theme of my life right now. Not everything in it applies to the situation, but its pretty spot on otherwise. Here are the lyrics.

Wish I'd told her how I felt, then maybe she'd be here right now, but
instead...

I pretended I'm glad you went away
These four walls closing more everyday
And I'm dyin' inside
And nobody knows it but me
Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm cryin' inside
And nobody knows it but me

Why didn't I say, the things I needed to say
How could I let my angel get away
Now my world is just a tumblin' down
I can say it so clearly, but you're nowhere around

The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missin' you
And nobody know it but me

I carry a smile when I'm broken in two
And I'm nobody without someone like you
I'm tremblin' inside
And nobody knows it but me
I lie awake it's a quarter past three
I'm screamin' at night if I thought you'd hear me
Yeah, my heart is callin' you
And nobody knows it but me

How blue can I get, you could ask my heart
But like a jigsaw puzzle it's been torn all apart
A million words couldn't say just how I feel
A million years from now you know I'll be lovin' you still

The nights are lonely the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missin' you
And nobody knows it but me

Yeah, Ohh, uhh, whoa, omom,
Nobody, nobody, but me.....

Tomorrow morning I'm hittin' the dusty road
Gonna find you where ever, ever you might go
And I'm gonna unload my heart
And hope you come back to me

Yeah, said when the nights are lonely...
The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missin' you
And nobody knows it but me...

I am only comforted right now by my Heavenly Father, the same person that because he can see everything and can know everything, He placed me in this situation. And I hate it.

I'm dying inside, and nobody knows it but me.

It's Over

Well, first things first, my relationship with M'kynzi is officially over. As I was leaving work, M'kynzi was in the parking lot waiting to talk to me. She and I had been texting earlier that day, and I had told her about my week. I had one of the worst weeks that I have had concerning my situation in that I was missing M'kynzi so badly, more so than I had to that point. We were started talking in her car and it was just casual talking, filling in each other on the past few days since we had last talked, doing what we normally would do while we were dating. We decided that it would be good to move to the institute and we continued to talk. At this point, I kinda knew what exactly was going to happen in this conversation, because she kept avoiding the topic of us. She said this was because it was just easier to talk the way we were instead of having the serious talk that was on the horizon. We talked, and she said that she didn't think that we should try dating again. She said that the reason that she got the answer of "not yet" was because she wasn't ready for marriage. She said that it wouldn't be fair for her to ask me to wait for her to be ready for marriage. I can't say that I disagree with her about that. I have tried waiting for other girls that I have dated, and it sucked. But I will say that I think M'kynzi is well worth the wait. Regardless of what I think, the situation is not going change.

I think that a marriage will work between any two people that strive to live the commandments, and that there isn't one specific person that we are supposed to marry. I also think that there is not a person alive that is completely ready for marriage. Marriage is a learning process that happens throughout the marriage. One of the things that M'kynzi said is that she thinks that I am ready for marriage, and she isn't to that point yet. One thing that I have learned though, is that the Lord doesn't work on our time-table, he works on his own time-table. And whether we think we are ready for something or not, if the Lord thinks we are, the opportunity presents itself and it is up to us to take advantage of it. I was talking to my brother about this and he was saying that marriage is as much about finding someone you are attracted to as it is finding someone that you can be around for eternity, and be happy. I agree with him when he said that there are times in a marriage that it is just plain hard, but since you love one another, and you love the Lord, you get over it.

I think the hardest part to all of this is that this isn't the first time that I have gotten an answer like this, that the girl I was dating just wasn't quite ready for the type of relationship that I was apparently ready for. I don't know what it is that I do that brings this upon me, but I am really good at it I guess.

I proposed to M'kynzi because I felt in my heart that it was the right thing to do. I was scared out of my mind at the thought of it, in part because a part of me thought that I would never get to that point. I proposed because I knew it was the next step in our relationship, and because I thought that we were both at that point.

I love M'kynzi to death. I always will. She is the best person that has ever come into my life. She made the last 9 months or so the best of my life. She has brought so much happiness into my life. She has changed, for the better, the way I view things. Because I spent so much time with her, and did so many things with her, everywhere I look and everywhere I go, I see her. That isn't a bad thing, she is still a great friend that knows so much more about me that nearly all of my friends. I still consider her to be one of my best friends.

I wish that things could be different, but they aren't and it is up to me to move on. I have no doubts that the Lord knows what He is doing, and He wouldn't allow me to go through this without some sort of reason. It is hard to move forward without any of the reasons, but I trust that I will have those things made known to me at the right time. I know that they wont be given to me until I move on though, so that is obviously one of my goals for the time being. I will be taking my time in doing so, but I am not going to let this situation get the best of me.

I have said this before, and I will say it again. I am excited for the person that I am becoming because of the heartache and hardships that I am going through because of this situation. I continue to make changes in my life that are making me the person I need to be for my eternal companion. Through the Lord, I am capable of doing amazing things, and I think I am ready for that. I am ready to be an instrument in the hands of the Lord in a way that I haven't been in the past. I know He loves me, and I am going to show Him that I love Him too.

Having said all of this, feel free to give me a hug when you see me next, cause I am still hurting inside.

Christmas!

Well Christmas and New Years has come and gone! Crazy! Obviously, at the beginning of the year there is always time for reflection, so I am going to do that a little. I can easily say that 2009 has been the best year of my life! As many of you know (and anyone that is reading this and other posts know) there has been many ups, and in my opinion, only one down albeit a large down. I have never been as happy as I was in 2009, but the good thing is that even with the large downer of the end of my engagement, I can honestly say that I didn't also experience the saddest time of my life. As bad as the experience has been, it has been a real eye opener for me and I am loving it. This last year, mostly M'kynzi's doing, has given me so many opportunities for growth, both spiritually and emotionally. I have increased my capacity to love in a way I didn't think was possible in my relationship with M'kynzi. I have learned and continue to learn how important family is. Through my experience with M'kynzi, my family, and to some degree, M'kynzi's family has been huge for me. They have shown me how much they love me in a way that they haven't done to this point in my life. Quite honestly it has surprised the heck out of me.

I have learned that I am not even close to being in charge of my life, and quite honestly it kinda sucks. But the one who is in charge, the Lord, knows what is going on so I guess I have to be ok with it. I admit, I get frustrated at times when I dont get to be more involved with the major decisions in my life, but I tend to think that that is normal so I dont worry about it too much.

I have learned to be happy no matter what. I have too many great things in my life not to be completely happy. Yeah, there are some things that I wish were different, but you know, they aren't different, and there isn't much I can do to change them. The Lord has given me a curveball and I am given the opportunity to see how I react to it. I tend to think that I am reacting pretty freakin' well, and I plan on being a better person after every curveball I am thrown.

I am really happy with the way 2009 went, and I am so incredibly happy and excited for the things that will happen in 2010. I have graduation to look forward to, possibly PT school, and a possible move. Things will be great, and I am excited for the curveballs that are going to be thrown my way cause I know I handle it. I am excited to see what will happen with M'kynzi and I, because I have a feeling that it will be good! I love her to death, and I am certain that things are going to work out.

Update

So I thought that I would just give a quick update on things. M'kynzi and I are still not together, but we are still uncertain of what it is that we are doing. When we got our answers, they weren't very definitive. I was told that I should call off the engagement, and M'kynzi's answer was "not now." We are still trying to figure out if we should date or if dating would only cause more heartache in the long run. I feel that we are just on hold for now, and just waiting to see what happens. We are in much more communication now, and are talking much more than we were the first week, which is nice. It is still really hard to see her, cause I cant hold her hand, and I cant kiss her, and I cant hold her. I talked with her for about an hour and a half on friday, and I loved it! No progress was made in our relationship, but it was just so good to see her and talk to her like we did just a few weeks ago. The only downfall is that ever since I talked to her, people have been noticing that I seem a little down. I didn't think that my emotions were showing that much, but apparently they were. I have been in intense prayer for the last few weeks, and it has helped a lot, but I still have my nights when I am crying myself to sleep.

I love her so much, and it doesn't seem fair to have to go through this. I have realized how much I love her, and that is great. M'kynzi told me one friday that she thinks she loves me more than she did prior to this. I can honestly say the same.

In a talk that I have read since this happened, it said that sometimes, even when you have had a spiritual confirmation about the relationship it can still end in heartache because quite simply, people change. I have looked at my life, and I am certain that I have changed. I hadn't been to the temple while M'kynzi and I were dating or while we were engaged. Since this all, I have been able to go 3 times, and I have made it a goal of mine to make it to the temple on a weekly basis. I am determined to get myself back to the person that I once was. The great thing is that even if this doesn't make me the person that I was when M'kynzi and I started dating, I am going to be a better person for having gone to the temple anyway. One of the counselors in a bishopric of one of my wards once said that if you want to marry a ten, you have to be a ten. I think that M'kynzi is about a one million, and I am just trying to get to that point. The temple is certainly one way that I am going to be able to do that. I feel that I am a lot more sincere in my prayers now too. I think that is one of the reasons that I have been able to get answers to my prayers so easily lately.

There are definitely some good eternal consequences that are coming from this all and as great as that is, I dont see a lot of those benefits right now. The only things that I see right now are the painful things, especially the heartache and the loneliness. This is going to be a good "soul searching" time for me. I have already started making some changes in my life, and I am going to make any others that are necessary. I am sure at some point I am going to be grateful for this experience, regardless of the outcome.

So all in all, I am still here, alive and mostly well. I am waiting impatiently for M'kynzi to figure things out and to receive her answer. I know that she is worth the wait. It just sucks. I told her plenty of times while we were dating that patience is a virtue, and now I am having to show that virtue. I know that we will both be better people regardless of the outcome and that is always something to look forward to. Something else to look forward to is the fact that if things end up working out the way we hope that it does we are going to be so amazing! We will both be millions!

M'kynzi, I am sure that you are going to read this, and when you do, I want you to know that I love you. I tell you that still because it is still true. I have told you before that I will love you always and forever, and that is not going to change. I am still in this with you while we are on hold, and I am anxiously awaiting your answer! I love you!

Less Excitement......

So, if you read my last blog, you got to experience the great fun I got to experience when I got engaged. Well, since then, things are a little different. On Tuesday the 1st, M'kynzi and I were in her car talking, and she said that she wasn't feeling completely comfortable with our decision to be engaged and to get married. As a result of that, we decided that we needed to fast and pray about our decision. We talked the next day and we both had discovered that we shouldn't be engaged anymore. Still to this day, I don't know if we are supposed to be dating. Tonight was the first time that I have talked to her since Wednesday, and it was so nice! I needed that so bad! I never thought that I could be so dependent on someone for happiness! For the last 8, almost 9 months, I have been the one to comfort M'kynzi when she needed it and I haven't been able to do it. I have been trying to avoid her, only because I don't want to cry the moment I see her. If the only thing that I was supposed to learn from this is how much I need her in my life, well, lesson learned. The fortunate thing about it all is that from what I know, there is still a chance that we could end up together forever, but I have yet to have that confirmed to me by the Lord. I guess looking at it all this is just typical of our relationship, lots of uncertainty. Uncertainty in where we would live, where I would go to school, what we would do for work, if M'kynzi would be able to go to school for law school, and several other things. I guess overall, I am dealing with this whole situation as best as I can. I am staying optimistic, knowing that things will work out. I cant argue with the Lord, I know I will lose. Its so hard knowing that someone that I love so much, might not be with me for eternity, she might just be a friend, and as nice as that is, it kinda sucks.

I have learned a few things. Number one, listening to the Spirit is important. Number two is that listening to the Spirit sometimes sucks. No matter how many times someone tells me that everything happens for a reason and that there is someone better for me out there, I am still going to hate the fact that we have to deal with this and that things don't work out the way I wanted them to. I just wish sometimes I had more of a say in some of the major decisions in my life.

Regardless of the situation, my feelings for M'kynzi are no different now than they were 2 weeks ago. I still love her immensely and I still want to do anything for her, but unfortunately right now, I cant.

At the end of the day, things have happened the way they have, and there isn't much I can do about it without giving up some happiness. I am going to be praying to know about the status of my relationship with M'kynzi right now, and hopefully that answer will come sooner than later, but who knows.

The Church is true, and God really knows what is going on, because He knows the whole picture, I just wish sometimes that He wasn't so much of a picture hog. I wish He would share a little more than He does right now!