It's Over

Well, first things first, my relationship with M'kynzi is officially over. As I was leaving work, M'kynzi was in the parking lot waiting to talk to me. She and I had been texting earlier that day, and I had told her about my week. I had one of the worst weeks that I have had concerning my situation in that I was missing M'kynzi so badly, more so than I had to that point. We were started talking in her car and it was just casual talking, filling in each other on the past few days since we had last talked, doing what we normally would do while we were dating. We decided that it would be good to move to the institute and we continued to talk. At this point, I kinda knew what exactly was going to happen in this conversation, because she kept avoiding the topic of us. She said this was because it was just easier to talk the way we were instead of having the serious talk that was on the horizon. We talked, and she said that she didn't think that we should try dating again. She said that the reason that she got the answer of "not yet" was because she wasn't ready for marriage. She said that it wouldn't be fair for her to ask me to wait for her to be ready for marriage. I can't say that I disagree with her about that. I have tried waiting for other girls that I have dated, and it sucked. But I will say that I think M'kynzi is well worth the wait. Regardless of what I think, the situation is not going change.

I think that a marriage will work between any two people that strive to live the commandments, and that there isn't one specific person that we are supposed to marry. I also think that there is not a person alive that is completely ready for marriage. Marriage is a learning process that happens throughout the marriage. One of the things that M'kynzi said is that she thinks that I am ready for marriage, and she isn't to that point yet. One thing that I have learned though, is that the Lord doesn't work on our time-table, he works on his own time-table. And whether we think we are ready for something or not, if the Lord thinks we are, the opportunity presents itself and it is up to us to take advantage of it. I was talking to my brother about this and he was saying that marriage is as much about finding someone you are attracted to as it is finding someone that you can be around for eternity, and be happy. I agree with him when he said that there are times in a marriage that it is just plain hard, but since you love one another, and you love the Lord, you get over it.

I think the hardest part to all of this is that this isn't the first time that I have gotten an answer like this, that the girl I was dating just wasn't quite ready for the type of relationship that I was apparently ready for. I don't know what it is that I do that brings this upon me, but I am really good at it I guess.

I proposed to M'kynzi because I felt in my heart that it was the right thing to do. I was scared out of my mind at the thought of it, in part because a part of me thought that I would never get to that point. I proposed because I knew it was the next step in our relationship, and because I thought that we were both at that point.

I love M'kynzi to death. I always will. She is the best person that has ever come into my life. She made the last 9 months or so the best of my life. She has brought so much happiness into my life. She has changed, for the better, the way I view things. Because I spent so much time with her, and did so many things with her, everywhere I look and everywhere I go, I see her. That isn't a bad thing, she is still a great friend that knows so much more about me that nearly all of my friends. I still consider her to be one of my best friends.

I wish that things could be different, but they aren't and it is up to me to move on. I have no doubts that the Lord knows what He is doing, and He wouldn't allow me to go through this without some sort of reason. It is hard to move forward without any of the reasons, but I trust that I will have those things made known to me at the right time. I know that they wont be given to me until I move on though, so that is obviously one of my goals for the time being. I will be taking my time in doing so, but I am not going to let this situation get the best of me.

I have said this before, and I will say it again. I am excited for the person that I am becoming because of the heartache and hardships that I am going through because of this situation. I continue to make changes in my life that are making me the person I need to be for my eternal companion. Through the Lord, I am capable of doing amazing things, and I think I am ready for that. I am ready to be an instrument in the hands of the Lord in a way that I haven't been in the past. I know He loves me, and I am going to show Him that I love Him too.

Having said all of this, feel free to give me a hug when you see me next, cause I am still hurting inside.