Hard Times

I think that the last week has been the hardest for me. I keep seeing M'kynzi everywhere and while that isn't normally a bad thing by any means, I cant help but think that she isn't mine, nor will she be mine in the foreseeable future, every time I see her.

I think about the time we spent together

I think about her family and how much I miss them.

I think about her influence on me.

I think about the love she had, and still has for me.

I think about how I have just lost my best friend.

I think her smell.

I think about the way she would make me smile just by simply sitting by me.

I think about how she would hold my hand and would re-adjust if it wasn't right.

I think about her ring digging into me, but since I was holding her hand, I dealt with it.

I think about the late nights we had holding each other while we fell asleep in the love sac watching a movie.

I think about the games we would play in the car.

I think about how she made me feel the moment she would walk into the room.

I think about the first date we had.

I think about the proposal.

I think about how easily she took my breath away.

I think about how we would decided if people around us were on a first date while we were out to dinner.

I think about so many things the instant that I see her, and then the dreadful thought enters into my mind that I don't get to add to these memories anymore. That she is going to be making new memories with someone else that is going to be better for her. And that soon enough, those memories are going to replace ours. It kills me that this same thing is going to happen to me. I hate that the memories will fade.

Last week I realized that things weren't getting better. I still don't really know if the decision was the right decision, but M'kynzi is confident that it is right, so what other choice do I have? I discovered that things between she and I have only gotten more and more awkward. We almost can't stand to even be near each other. I know the reason I feel that way, and I only hope that it is the same for her.

I went to the temple yesterday to pray and ask about us. I needed to know for sure if this decision was right or wrong. I needed help if it was wrong that M'kynzi would know that also. I needed help if it was right that I would be okay with it. I have a good feeling that I have gotten my answer, but I refuse to accept it. I don't want to let go of her. Ever.

Sometimes I wish I could forget everything. But then I realize how much of me would be missing. I certainly wouldn't be the person that I am today if I just forgot about M'kynzi and the memories we have had. I guess for now though, until we are able to have some semblance of a friendship, she is only going to be a memory.

I told her that I can't put on the show anymore. I can't put on this facade that everything is okay, and that nothing is wrong in my life. I am still happy overall, but I am hurting inside, pretty badly. There is a song by The Tony Rich Project called Nobody Knows, and it is kind of the theme of my life right now. Not everything in it applies to the situation, but its pretty spot on otherwise. Here are the lyrics.

Wish I'd told her how I felt, then maybe she'd be here right now, but
instead...

I pretended I'm glad you went away
These four walls closing more everyday
And I'm dyin' inside
And nobody knows it but me
Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm cryin' inside
And nobody knows it but me

Why didn't I say, the things I needed to say
How could I let my angel get away
Now my world is just a tumblin' down
I can say it so clearly, but you're nowhere around

The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missin' you
And nobody know it but me

I carry a smile when I'm broken in two
And I'm nobody without someone like you
I'm tremblin' inside
And nobody knows it but me
I lie awake it's a quarter past three
I'm screamin' at night if I thought you'd hear me
Yeah, my heart is callin' you
And nobody knows it but me

How blue can I get, you could ask my heart
But like a jigsaw puzzle it's been torn all apart
A million words couldn't say just how I feel
A million years from now you know I'll be lovin' you still

The nights are lonely the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missin' you
And nobody knows it but me

Yeah, Ohh, uhh, whoa, omom,
Nobody, nobody, but me.....

Tomorrow morning I'm hittin' the dusty road
Gonna find you where ever, ever you might go
And I'm gonna unload my heart
And hope you come back to me

Yeah, said when the nights are lonely...
The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missin' you
And nobody knows it but me...

I am only comforted right now by my Heavenly Father, the same person that because he can see everything and can know everything, He placed me in this situation. And I hate it.

I'm dying inside, and nobody knows it but me.